Quotes By Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
1 - 30 of 60 quotes
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Themes of Quotes
Authors of Quotes
Rainer Maria Rilke
Joel A. Barker
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