--There you are. The sight of the changing world is miraculous and heartbreaking, both at the same time.--But so it is for me too. The heartbreaking side of growing old is not in the things around one but in oneself.
Scarlett, I don't know just when it was that the bleak realizationcame over me that my own private shadow show was over. Perhaps inthe first five minutes at Bull Run when I saw the first man Ikilled drop to the ground. But I knew it was over and I could nolonger be a spectator. No, I suddenly found myself on the curtain, an actor, posturing and making futile gestures. My little innerworld was gone, invaded by people whose thoughts were not mythoughts, whose actions were as alien as a Hottentot's. They'dtramped through my world with slimy feet and there was no placeleft where I could take refuge when things became too bad to stand. When I was in prison, I thought: When the war is over, I can goback to the old life and the old dreams and watch the shadow showagain. But, Scarlett, there's no going back. And this which isfacing all of us now is worse than war and worse than prison--and, to me, worse than death. . . . So, you see, Scarlett, I'm beingpunished for being afraid.