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Chelsea Handler quotes

American Comedian February 25, 1975

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Quotes

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it. Chelsea Handler
He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better. Chelsea Handler
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense."
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after..."
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news..."
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've..."
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. Chelsea Handler
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. Chelsea Handler
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for. Chelsea Handler
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. Chelsea Handler
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink. Chelsea Handler
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together. Chelsea Handler
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis. Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea Chelsea Handler
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. Chelsea Handler

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