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Chelsea Handler quotes

American Comedian February 25, 1975

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Quotes

Chelsea Handler quote: "I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way..."
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never..."
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. Chelsea Handler
This is no way to run a business,” I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. “And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "We women have to stick together."
We women have to stick together. Chelsea Handler
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you..."
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. Chelsea Handler
This women/ killer was a testement to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny. Chelsea Handler
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off. Chelsea Handler
We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorizedbiography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her firstbook, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure. Chelsea Handler
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. Chelsea Handler
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "I didn't become a comedian to work this hard."
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard. Chelsea Handler
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "My father has a high opinion of his opinion"
My father has a high opinion of his opinion Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants...."
Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls. Chelsea Handler

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