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Authors:

Chelsea Handler quotes

American Comedian February 25, 1975

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Quotes

Chelsea Handler quote: "I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself..."
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. Chelsea Handler
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of..."
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning. Chelsea Handler
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming..."
ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it..."
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. Chelsea Handler
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting. Chelsea Handler
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. Chelsea Handler
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order. Chelsea Handler
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn’t pay a hundred..."
Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn’t pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate."
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to..."
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler quote: "Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself."
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself. Chelsea Handler

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