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Authors:

David Sedaris quotes

American Writer December 26, 1956

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Quotes

If I'd been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but was just a little too gung ho for my taste. David Sedaris
Hugh returned from his trip, and days later I still sounded like a Red Chinese asking questions about the democratic hinterlands. "And you actually saw people smoking in restuarants? Really! And offices, too? Oh, tell me again about the ashtrays in the hospital waiting room, and don't leave anything out. David Sedaris
They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting. David Sedaris
Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?” he said. “Literaturizing? David Sedaris
David Sedaris quote: "The Bible says that it’s all right to cast the first stone if..."
The Bible says that it’s all right to cast the first stone if someone dead is telling you to do it David Sedaris
One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike someone who was evicted or lost his house in a fire, the hobo roughed it by choice. Being at liberty, unencumbered by bills and mortgages, better suited his drinking schedule, and so he found shelter wherever he could, never a bum, but something much less threatening, a figure of merriment, almost. David Sedaris
David Sedaris quote: "Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise."
Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. David Sedaris
She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you fired.” Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed. David Sedaris
I explained that he was Chinese, and she asked if the movie would be in Chinese. "No," I said, "he lives in America. In California. He's been there since he was a baby." "Then what does it matter if he's Chinese?" "Well," I said, "he's got... you know, a sensibility. David Sedaris
And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware. David Sedaris
David Sedaris quote: "I sometimes read books on my iPad."
I sometimes read books on my iPad. David Sedaris
David Sedaris quote: "I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you..."
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer. David Sedaris
David Sedaris quote: "Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot..."
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes. David Sedaris
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me. David Sedaris
She was at a cash register, screaming at a customer. She was, in fact, calling this customer a bitch. I touched her arm and said, “I have to go now.” She laid her hand on my shoulder, squeezed it gently, and continued her conversation, saying, “Don’t tell the store president I called you a bitch. Tell him I called you a fucking bitch, because that’s exactly what you are. Now get out of my sight before I do something we both regret. David Sedaris

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