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Demetri Martin quotes

American Comedian May 25, 1973

TOP 10 Demetri Martin quotes

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Quotes

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' Demetri Martin
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' Demetri Martin
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Demetri Martin
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin quote: "I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed,..."
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin quote: "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be..."
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin quote: "But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because..."
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. Demetri Martin
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. Demetri Martin
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal. Demetri Martin
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin quote: "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies...."
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin

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