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Authors:
Emo Philips Quotes

Emo Philips quotes

American Comedian February 7, 1956

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Quotes

Emo Philips quote: "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have..."
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping..."
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit..."
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex..."
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the..."
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked..."
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through..."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. Emo Philips

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