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Authors:
Emo Philips Quotes

Emo Philips quotes

American Comedian February 7, 1956

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Quotes

Emo Philips quote: "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather..."
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky,..."
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was..."
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I..."
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an..."
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way..."
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I'm a great lover, I'll bet."
I'm a great lover, I'll bet. Emo Philips
Emo Philips quote: "I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here,..."
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.' Emo Philips

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