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Authors:
Lewis Black Quotes

Lewis Black quotes

American Comedian August 30, 1948

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Quotes

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE! Lewis Black
I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes Lewis Black
Lewis Black quote: "If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I..."
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. Lewis Black
They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down. Lewis Black
I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. Lewis Black
Lewis Black quote: "I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say,..."
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. Lewis Black
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!! Lewis Black
Lewis Black quote: "It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We..."
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! Lewis Black
Lewis Black quote: "I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral..."
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. Lewis Black
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. Lewis Black
Lewis Black quote: "I'm a selfish, little pig of a man."
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. Lewis Black
The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. Lewis Black
Lewis Black quote: "I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a..."
I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. Lewis Black
Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on. Lewis Black
I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. Lewis Black

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