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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg quotes

American Comedian February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005

TOP 10 Mitch Hedberg quotes

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Quotes

Mitch Hedberg quote: "I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm..."
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have..."
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No,..."
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I..."
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice..."
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and..."
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and..."
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. Mitch Hedberg

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