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Authors:

Stephen Colbert quotes

American Comedian May 13, 1964

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Quotes

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Baby carrots are making me gay."
Baby carrots are making me gay. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all..."
I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry. Stephen Colbert
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists. Stephen Colbert
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and..."
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. Stephen Colbert
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my..."
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear Stephen Colbert
Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is..."
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in..."
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't..."
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch..."
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is..."
Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for..."
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. Stephen Colbert

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