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Stephen Colbert quotes

American Comedian May 13, 1964

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Quotes

Stephen Colbert quote: "I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here..."
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what..."
All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to..."
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character."
Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character. Stephen Colbert
Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your statethat makes people want to flee the Earth?"- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005 Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make..."
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way,..."
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!"
Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum! Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "Equations are the devil's sentences."
Equations are the devil's sentences. Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the..."
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias."
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. Stephen Colbert
You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians. Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert quote: "I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory"
I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory Stephen Colbert

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