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Tommy Cooper quotes

British Comedian March 19, 1921 – April 15, 1984

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Quotes

Tommy Cooper quote: "I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound..."
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. Tommy Cooper
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a..."
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience! Tommy Cooper
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.' Tommy Cooper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of..."
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. Tommy Cooper
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' Tommy Cooper
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke..."
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "I belong to the secret six. It's so secret I don't even know..."
I belong to the secret six. It's so secret I don't even know the other five. Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already."
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already. Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper quote: "A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron..."
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar. Tommy Cooper
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. Tommy Cooper

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