Grandma Quotes (displaying: 1 - 30 of 72 quotes )
Grandma has a .45 long barrel that she keeps hidden from my mother. She got it from her friend Elsie, who picked it up at a yard sale. Probably it was in Grandma's purse. Grandma says it gives the bag some heft, in case she has to beat off a mugger. This might be true, but I think mostly Grandma likes pretending she is Clint Eastwood.
Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. "I gotta get me a pair if those," she said, eyeballing my shorts. "I've still got pretty good legs, you know." She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. "What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things?" Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs.
Grandma Harper has two green bottles shaped like women with black hair painted on their heads and a yellow glass colored captain's hat that she keeps her face powder in that I want too, and a picture of a naked girl in a swing, swinging way up in the air over castles in a blue sky. I don't know why I want those things, I just do.
Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip."Nice piece!" Grandma said. "What is it? Is that a forty-five?"It's a nine- millimeter."Don't suppose you'd let me see it," Grandma said. "I'd sure like to get the feel of a gun like that."No!" said everyone in unison."I shot a chicken once," Grandma explained to Morelli. "It was an accident."Where did you shoot it?" he finally asked."In the gumpy," Grandma said. "Shot it clear off.
The kid pulled a Buck knife out of his pants pocket. "How about giving me your purse, bitch?" Sally hiked up his skirt, reached into his briefs and pulled out a Glock. "How about using that knife to slice off your balls?" Lula whipped a gun out of her red satin purse and Grandma hauled out her .45 long-barrel. "Day my make, punk," Grandma said. "Hey, I don't want any trouble," the kid said. "We were just having some fun." "I want to shoot him," Sally said. "Nobody'll tell, right?" "No fair," Lula said. "I want to shoot him." "Okay," Grandma said. "On the count of three, we'll all shoot him.
Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out. My mother froze, her fork poised in midair. That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.
Sally put his gun back in his pants. "Guess I flunked the estrogen test."We all stared at his crotch, and Grandma said what Lula and I were thinking."I thought that bulge was your dingdong,"Grandma said."Jesus," Sally said, "who do you think I am, Thunder the Wonder Horse? My gun wouldn't fit in my purse."You need to get a smaller gun," Lula said. "Ruins your lines with that big old Glock in your drawers.
My mother came into the kitchen. "Whose car is that parked in front of our house?"That's Stephanie's new car," Grandma said. "isn't it a pip?"One of my mother's eyebrows raised in question. "Two new cars? Where are these cars coming from?"Company cars," I said."Oh?"Anal sex is not involved," I told her. My mother and grandmother both gasped."Sorry," I said. "It just slipped out."I thought only homosexual men did anal sex," Grandma said."anybody with an anus can do it," I told her."Hmm," she said. "I got one of them.
Make up your mind to this. If you are different, you are isolated, not only from people of your own age but from those of your parents' generation and from your children's generation too. They'll never understand you and they'll be shocked no matter what you do. But your grandparents would probably be proud of you and say: 'Theres a chip off the old block,' and your grandchildren will sigh enviously and say: 'What an old rip Grandma must have been!' and they'll try to be like you.
[Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.'[Morelli] 'Have you been drinking?
My big awakening happened when I was fourteen. I'd been trying to get into this older girl's pants for a while, and she finally let me come over to her house. We hung out, smoked some pot and listened to Aerosmith's Rocks. It hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. I sat there listening to it over and over, and totally blew off this girl. I remember riding my bike back to my grandma's house knowing that my life had changed. Now I identified with something.
This meal we just ate?" says Aunt Lydia. "In many countries, this sort of meal would only be eaten by royalty."There are countries where people could live one year on what we throw out in one week," says Grandpa Kirk."I thought it was they could live one year on what we throw out in one day," says Grandma Sally."I thought it was they could live ten years on what we throw out in one minute," says Uncle Gus."Well anyway," says Doris. "We are very lucky.
Grandpa, in his male armchair, deaf aid occasionally whistling and pipe making a hubble-bubble noise as he sucked on it, would shake his head over DAILY EXPRESS, which described to him a world where truth and justice were constantly imperilled by the Communist Threat. In her softer, female armchair - in the red corner - Grandma would tut-tut away over DAILY WORKER, which described to her a world where truth and justice, in their updated versions, were constantly imperilled by Capitalism and Imperialism.
Think of negative speech as verbal pollution. And that's what I've been doing: visualizing insults and gossip as a dark cloud, maybe one with some sulfur dioxide. Once you've belched it out, you can't take it back. As grandma said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. The interesting this is, the less often I vocalize my negative thoughts, the fewer negative thoughts I cook up in the first place.
He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us."I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked."I wish you hadn't told me that, babe."Everyone I know wants to see you naked."And you?"Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying.
I know what you're thinking," Grandma said into the silence. "Do I have anymore bullets in this here gun? Well, with all the confusion, what with being locked up in a refrigerator, I plumb forgot what was in here to start with. But being that this is a 45 magnum, the most powerful handgun in existence, and it could blow your head clean off, you just got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky today? Well, do you, punk?"Christ," Spiro whispered. "She thinks she's f**king Clint Eastwood.