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George Carlin Quotes (displaying: 1 - 30 of 288 quotes)

George Carlin Quotes
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
George Carlin
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin
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A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
George Carlin
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Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
George Carlin
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I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.
George Carlin
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
George Carlin
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
George Carlin
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Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
George Carlin
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
George Carlin
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?m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
George Carlin
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I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
George Carlin
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And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.
George Carlin
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
George Carlin
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
George Carlin
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I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
George Carlin
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I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
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The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
George Carlin
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
George Carlin
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So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
George Carlin
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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
George Carlin
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
George Carlin
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin