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George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin quotes

American Comedian, Actor May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008

TOP 10 George Carlin quotes

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Quotes

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. George Carlin
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. George Carlin
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. George Carlin
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off. George Carlin
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. George Carlin
George Carlin quote: "My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I..."
My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious! George Carlin
George Carlin quote: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where..."
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free world. And I can't find a clear definition of that, can you? Where is that? Russia? China? For chrissakes, Russia has a better Mafia than we do now, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and selling dildos on the Internet. They sound pretty free to me. Here are some more jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for; "The greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of... George Carlin
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who informed us, "All men are created equal." All "men," except Indians, niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way, suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that is what's known as being stunningly--and embarrassingly--full of shit. George Carlin
George Carlin quote: "The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. George Carlin
George Carlin quote: "Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a..."
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin
George Carlin quote: "I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We..."
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin
You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it! George Carlin

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