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Authors:

Henny Youngman quotes

American Comedian March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998

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Quotes

Henny Youngman quote: "My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time,..."
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a..."
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She..."
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then..."
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat..."
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's..."
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top..."
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman quote: "A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay..."
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. Henny Youngman

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