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Authors:
Joseph Heller Quotes

Joseph Heller quotes

American Novelist, Writer May 1, 1923 – December 12, 1999

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Why don't you ever whip me?" she pouted one night."Because I haven't the time," he snapped at her impatiently. "I haven't the time. Don't you know there's a parade going on? Joseph Heller
Last night in the latrine. Didn't you whisper that we couldn't punish you to that other dirty son of a bitch we don't like? What's his name?"Yossarian, sir," Lieutenant Scheisskopf said."Yes, Yossarian. That's right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of a name is Yossarian?"Lieutenant Scheisskopf had the facts at his finger tips. "It's Yossarian's name, sir," he explained. Joseph Heller
Joseph Heller quote: "It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. What the..."
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. What the hell does it mean when they disappear somebody? Joseph Heller
The frog is almost five hundred million years old. Could you really say with much certainty that America, with all its strength and prosperity, with its fighting man that is second to none, and with its standard of living that is highest in the world, will last as long as...the frog? Joseph Heller
Men," he began his address to the officers, measuring his pauses carefully. "You're American officers. The officers of no other army in the world can make that statement. Think about it. Joseph Heller
Kraft was a skinny, harmless kid from Pennsylvania who wanted only to be liked, and was destined to be disappointed in even so humble and degrading an ambition. Instead, of being liked, he was dead, a bleeding cinder on the barbarous pile whom nobody had heard in those last precious moments while the plane with one wing plummeted. Joseph Heller
Joseph Heller quote: "I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them,..."
I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long. Joseph Heller
That's not what justice is," the colonel jeered, and began pounding the table again with his big fat hand. "That's what Karl Marx is. I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That's what justice is when we've all got to be tough enough and rough enough to fight Billy Petrolle. From the hip. Get it? Joseph Heller
Joseph Heller quote: "I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time..."
I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any. Joseph Heller
Joseph Heller quote: "[They] agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to..."
[They] agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything. Joseph Heller
Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did. Soon the only people attending were those who never asked questions, and the sessions were discontinued altogether, since Clevinger, the corporal and Colonel Korn agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything. Joseph Heller
Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?"Yes, sir, it has."Then why do you do it?"To assuage my fears of sexual impotence. Joseph Heller
Joseph Heller quote: "I've always depended very heavily on the good opinion of others."
I've always depended very heavily on the good opinion of others. Joseph Heller
Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was. Joseph Heller
Why,' swore Yossarian at him approvingly, 'you evil-eyed, mechanically-aptituded, disaffiliated son of a -----, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?' 'I didn't,' Orr said, 'walk around with anything in my cheeks. I walked around with crab apples in my cheeks. When I couldn't get crab apples, I walked around with horse chestnuts. In my cheeks. Joseph Heller

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