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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg quotes

American Comedian February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005

TOP 10 Mitch Hedberg quotes

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Quotes

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on..."
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets..."
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them..."
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because..."
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Dogs are forever in the push up postion."
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower."
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap..."
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you..."
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two..."
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I..."
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg quote: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg

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