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Authors:

P. G. Wodehouse quotes

English Writer, Playwright October 15, 1881 – February 14, 1975

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Quotes

P. G. Wodehouse quote: "Jeeves, I'm engaged."I hope you will be very happy, sir."Don't..."
Jeeves, I'm engaged."I hope you will be very happy, sir."Don't be an ass. I'm engaged to Miss Bassett. P. G. Wodehouse
Beginning with a critique of my own limbs, which she said, justly enough, were nothing to write home about, this girl went on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique, and method of eating asparagus with such acerbity that by the time she had finished the best you could say of Bertram was that, so far as was known, he had never actually committed murder or set fire to an orphan asylum. P. G. Wodehouse
To persons of spirit like ourselves the only happy marriage is that which is based on a firm foundation of almost incessant quarrelling. P. G. Wodehouse
P. G. Wodehouse quote: "Flowers are happy things."
Flowers are happy things. P. G. Wodehouse
As a rule, you see, I'm not lugged into Family Rows. On the occasions when Aunt is calling Aunt like mastodons bellowing across premieval swamps and Uncle James's letter about Cousin Mabel's peculiar behaviour is being shot round the family circle ('Please read this carefully and send it on Jane') the clan has a tendency to ignore me. It's one of the advantages I get from being a bachelor - and, according to my nearest and dearest, practically a half-witted bachelor at that. P. G. Wodehouse
Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his head first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains. What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him. P. G. Wodehouse
I gave it up. The man annoyed me. I hadn't the slightest objection to his spending his time planning massacres for the bourgeoisie, but I was dashed if I could see why he couldn't do it with a bright and cheerful smile. P. G. Wodehouse
P. G. Wodehouse quote: "If England wants a happy, well-fed aristocracy, she mustn't..."
If England wants a happy, well-fed aristocracy, she mustn't have wars. She can't have it both ways. P. G. Wodehouse
A roll and butter and a small coffee seemed the only things on the list that hadn't been specially prepared by the nastier-minded members of the Borgia family for people they had a particular grudge against, so I chose them. P. G. Wodehouse
Have you ever been turned down by a girl who afterwards married and then been introduced to her husband? If so you'll understand how I felt when Clarence burst on me. You know the feeling. First of all, when you hear about the marriage, you say to yourself, "I wonder what he's like." Then you meet him, and think, "There must be some mistake. She can't have preferred this to me! P. G. Wodehouse
Abandon the idea, Jeeves. I fear you have not studied the sex as I have. Missing her lunch means little or nothing to the female of the species. The feminine attitude toward lunch is notoriously airy and casual. Where you have made your bloomer is confusing lunch with tea. Hell, it is well known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can't get it. At such times the most amiable of the sex become mere bombs which a spark may ignite." Bertie Wooster P. G. Wodehouse
It's a funny thing about looking for things. If you hunt for a needle in a haystack you don't find it. If you don't give a darn whether you ever see the needle or not it runs into you the first time you lean against the stack. P. G. Wodehouse
A moment before this voice spoke, Lord Emsworth had been smirking. He now congealed, and the smile passed from his lips like breath off a razor, to be succeeded be a tense look of anxiety and alarm. P. G. Wodehouse
One of the advantages a sister has when arguing with a brother is that she is under no obligation to be tactful. If she wishes to tell him that he is an idiot and ought to have his head examined, she can do so and, going further, can add that it is a thousand pities that no-one ever thought of smothering him with a pillow in his formative years. P. G. Wodehouse
P. G. Wodehouse quote: "We do not tell old friends beneath our roof-tree that they are..."
We do not tell old friends beneath our roof-tree that they are an offence to the eyesight. P. G. Wodehouse

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