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Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller quotes

American Comedian July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012

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Quotes

Phyllis Diller quote: "The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them..."
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,..."
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I..."
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is..."
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle..."
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to..."
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives..."
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a..."
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned..."
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "My father used to call me the laughing hyena."
My father used to call me the laughing hyena. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller quote: "The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get..."
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller

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