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Stephen Colbert Quotes

Divorce is marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Stephen Colbert

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The first census in 1790 asked just six questions: the name of the head of the household, the number of free white males older than 16, the number of free white males younger than 16, the number of free white females, the number of other free persons, and the number of slaves. Tom G. Palmer
Jean-Paul Sartre quote: "If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company."
If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company. Jean-Paul Sartre
Wilson Mizner quote: "The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas..."
The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in. Wilson Mizner
Bobby Heenan quote: "I'm a legend in this sport. If you don't believe me, ask me."
I'm a legend in this sport. If you don't believe me, ask me. Bobby Heenan
Surely we all occasionally buy books because of a daydream we're having--a little fantasy about the people we might turn into one day, when our lives are different, quieter, more introspective, and when all the urgent reading, whatever that might be, has been done. We never arrive at that point, needless to say.... Nick Hornby
Patty Murray quote: "For the state of our union to be strong, we need to place..."
For the state of our union to be strong, we need to place value in Americans. Patty Murray
Wilhelm Dilthey quote: "Thus there arose in me both a need and a plan for the..."
Thus there arose in me both a need and a plan for the foundation of the human sciences. Wilhelm Dilthey
If we know anything about man, it's that he's not pacific. The temptation to butcher anyone considered undesirable seems to be a common temptation, not always resisted. Larry McMurtry
George Carlin quote: "When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When..."
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin
Unfortunately, the real focus in this country has not been on the rest of the world. It's been on our own issues and our own problems. Fair enough. But it means that our simple hopes that everything will just work out abroad aren't really coming to pass. Jeffrey Sachs
His shadow lay over the rocks as he bent, ending. Why not endless till the farthest star? Darkly they are there behind this light, darkness shining in the brightness, delta of Cassiopeia, worlds. Me sits there with his augur's rod of ash, in borrowed sandals, by day beside a livid sea, unbeheld, in violet nigh walking beneath a reign of uncouth stars. I throw this ended shadow from me, manshape ineluctable, call it back. Endless, would it be mine, form of my form? Who watches me here? Who... James Joyce
How, unless you drink as I do, could you hope to understand the beauty of an old Indian woman playing dominoes with a chicken? Malcolm Lowry
Elton John quote: "Bands today have to learn their craft by putting the hard work..."
Bands today have to learn their craft by putting the hard work in that we did when we were young performers. Elton John
Walter Isaacson quote: "the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the..."
the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. Walter Isaacson
Gilbert K. Chesterton quote: "I am more than a devil; I am a man. I can do the one thing..."
I am more than a devil; I am a man. I can do the one thing which Satan himself cannot d? I can die. Gilbert K. Chesterton