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Steven Wright quotes

American Comedian December 6, 1955

TOP 10 Steven Wright quotes

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Quotes

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life."
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot...."
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood..."
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood..."
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday. Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so..."
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. Steven Wright
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think? Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends..."
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no..."
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using? Steven Wright
Steven Wright quote: "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you..."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Steven Wright

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