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Woody Allen Quotes (displaying: 1 - 30 of 230 quotes)

Woody Allen Quotes
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I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
Woody Allen
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Drama is like meat and three veg. Whereas comedy is like the merangue at the end.
Woody Allen
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There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
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Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.
Woody Allen
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Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,
Woody Allen
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To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Woody Allen
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I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.
Woody Allen
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Woody Allen
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My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
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?m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. ?ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.
Woody Allen
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Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
Woody Allen
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[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.
Woody Allen
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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
Woody Allen
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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Woody Allen
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I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
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he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something
Woody Allen
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Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road
Woody Allen
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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
Woody Allen
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There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
Woody Allen
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Woody Allen
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen